It’s hard to believe it has been 6 months since Heather has passed, but then again it does not. It feels like an eternity that I got to sit down and catch up on the week’s events with her but when I close my eyes I can so clearly see her wakeboarding at the lake. Not a day goes by where I don’t think how could it be her that is gone, how can someone be such a force to reckon with, unstoppable, all knowing, and a rock to so many and be taken out so quickly without warning? Six months and I still do not have those answers. Over the past 6 months there have been days where I have not wanted to go to work, or get out of bed and that’s grief, I guess, but then I always hear Heather’s voice saying “get the hell up”, she is always bossing me around in my head, which makes me laugh and feel closer to her.
That’s the thing about loss, you still have all the love for your person but nowhere to funnel it or express it, it’s all just stuck in the big lump in your throat that mostly goes away but can quickly come rushing back the second you spend too much time going down that path of memories and thoughts. Developing a new relationship with Heather has been my mission. I look for all the signs, and man does she send them my way. When the sign comes I stop in my tracks and spend a minute just focusing on her, it helps. I figure if anyone is going to make their presence known it would absolutely be Heather so I take it, every single time.
It's weird grief, I mean before you lose someone so close to you, you obviously are aware of death, other people’s grief and sadness but never fully comprehend it. I am drawn to posts about grief, there’s comfort in knowing that others are trying to manage their way through this thick dark heavy place. It gets better, I think the post I made about the box is spot on for me and I know it has resonated with others but I am embracing the reality that this is not something that is going to go away completely, and really, I don’t want it to. Missing her and being so quick to tears when I think about her is a constant reminder that our bond was special. I may not have had the most time with my sister but I know the time we had together we made the most of it.
It’s not hard to look around and see all that has been touched by Heather. I know personally my life has exponentially improved because my sister, she had a plan for us and boy did she ensure it all happened. Thank God for her persistence and persuasiveness. Being with my niece and nephews always feels I am in her presence because they have all the most beautiful qualities of Heather. Her greatest gifts to us are those kids, I know for certain. Not to take any credit from Wayne’s contribution to his kids! The Palmer kids are driven, compassionate, caring, crazy smart, insightful, hilarious, athletic, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, Heather prepared them for life and her voice will resonate in their ears forever.
Six months…what I know for certain, is that Heather created such an impact on so many people and for me personally, I know she is still guiding and planning and pushing as she always did. I just lean into what I know she wanted me to do. Surrounding myself with the people she loved the most and all though are hearts are still broken, being together makes the broken pieces feel not so sharp. It’s not all tears all the time, I swear, there is laughter, there is a lot of joy when Heather is talked about or retelling stories about her. I relish in moments I get to hear new stories from her past and I welcome opportunities when brave people mention Heather to me. It’s not easy talking to someone who has lost a loved one, I know and I get it. I am so relieved when I say her name to someone and they don’t wince with discomfort, but I deeply understand when they do. There is no playbook for this, that is for sure.
Six months and we’re all surviving which I think is a big accomplishment. I know there are moments when we are not just surviving but really thriving and I know that is what Heather would want. I feel grateful that I was one of Heather’s people, I’m thankful she gave me my marching orders and knew that she could depend on me even in her absence. So, I celebrate the milestones and accomplishments, although they are bittersweet because she is not here with us physically, but look for all the ways she has made those moments happen (directly and indirectly) and cherish that she continues to make a huge impact on our lives. Constantly remembering how crazy strong she was even in her last moments, there is no room for us to be anything less than what she expected, and boy did she have pretty high expectations for all of us! I know for certain that I am a better person, mother, daughter, wife and friend because of her and she continues to influence me daily.
So here is a picture of Heather, how I will always picture her, floating at the lake, watching over us and knowing she will be saving a spot next to her for all of us when our time comes. Love you sissy!
